She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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