Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
