he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
