mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
