omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
