You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
