she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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