found the other keg... it's in the tree
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
