I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
