I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
