he wants to bone in the snuggie
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
