I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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