if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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