Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's blow job season.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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