I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
