You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
