I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
