You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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