you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
