Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
