All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
