Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
