haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
That reminds me...we need to get swords
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
