i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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