I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
