I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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