Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
