I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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