I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
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