I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
