Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
