PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
What a dumb baby whore.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
