Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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