i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
