nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
