I can text with my tongue
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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