Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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