I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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