brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm like, not good at living.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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