I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
