So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
