I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
