I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
