Plan B is the new Plan A
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
