how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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