sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
