im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
