I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
