Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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