So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
