I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
