I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
