well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
