after a month anything with tits is on the radar
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
