im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
you never un-have a 4some
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
